I still have hope for myself

19/06/2026 - It has been a while since I've written something...

I'm sorry for not keeping up my promise of writing. This is an apology to my older self; the one I remember so well, wanting to be an actor, filling myself with such dreams that I couldn't even think how I could achieve them.

I did not get accepted to the theatre college I applied. And frankly, I'm relieved.

Since my last post, a lot has changed. I moved, now I'm living with my brother, my ambitions shifted...

I got more in touch with the game developer dream, and I think I am not going to become an actor anymore. It is sad, sometimes I feel like a part of me has vanished, the strong will to go to the theatre college has disappeared some time ago. The thing is, I knew this was going to happen. I told myself it wouldn't, but it always does. 

I don't believe in destiny, fate or spirituality. However, the truth is, the world speaks in funny ways sometimes, and it looks like it's sending me signs.

I am now going to pursue game development, which was always the logical way for me. But I always want to defy the logic, defy the expectations of people, but I keep coming back to games. The thing that, since I was a kid, I wanted to make. 

I believe in a different timeline, where I got accepted, did the first year of college, and dropped out because "It wasn't for me". I believe that everything for me ties to video games.

I still don't know how to feel about that; how to feel about not being able to pursue something I so desperately wanted in the past, but now I don't want to anymore. I'm so indecisive, always, but I know this isn't about indecisiveness. 

I've always had the dream of becoming an actor, but even before that, I've always wanted to make games. It's just, the logical next step for me, to actually make video games.

I simply feel defeated. I can't just say something and do it, I have to do the work if I want to do something; and it's that drive, that I don't have, that keeps me from doing those things. Maybe it's for the better actually. Maybe I wouldn't be a good actor. I still want to make movies, maybe. I want to participate on things I make, because that's what I want to do. Make things. I want to make things, that moves other people the way it moved me. 

My expectations are, sure, unrealistic. I can't be an actor, game developer, animator, make movies; I simply cannot be everything, everywhere all at once.

That frustrates me.

But it's the way life is. I can't expect something and not work for it, or just wait for the opportunities to come by. I have to create my own opportunities.

That's why, I recently started to think more in steps, rather than full chapters.

I'm doing small steps, that will eventually become long walks, which will inevitably turn into the marathon that is life.

A Gay Actor's Dream, was really, just a gay thought I had. Still am gay though.

Happy Pride Month y'all 🏳️‍🌈