a gay actor's dream

28/01/2026 - There's a topic that I abstained from talking about until now, because I didn't feel like I could articulate in a way that I would particularly find interesting or that some may find a bit triggering.   TW: Body discussion (body image; if you find this topic particularly uncomfortable or triggering, don't read this article)  I've been struggling a bit about my weight. All my life I've been chubby. And that's something I came to terms with during my teenage years. I come from a family that tends to eat well, so I also tend to eat well. I don't exercise, but I used to walk a lot because of my school traveling. Now that I'm working remotely, I'm not budging at all from home. Which I do miss, I miss going outdoors, but I also don't do anything to remedy this.  It's not like I don't like walking or exercising, but I find it rather tedious. Because I grew up staying at home a lot, I don't have the habit of going out that much....

25/01/2026 -  I'm HAPPY! I've been in a great mood since I began writing on this blog. Turns out: getting frustrated does NOT make me happy, so it's been therapeutic to me. I don't need anyone to even read these, I just want to let it out and go on with my life. I didn't expect it to be so effective. I expected to feel a bit better, but not THIS better. It has motivated me to write more, and be more focused on my work.  Last time I've felt like this was when I decided I wanted to be an actor, but before that I remember distinctly feeling like this when I started my final project for my animation course. We had to do a short animated film. I felt so free, because we had a theme for the project, which we had to abide by loosely,  so we had freedom to do practiaclly anything. The theme was "Movement". A very ecompassing theme; we were grateful to have this as a theme, because it meant we could do anything. Animation being literally pictures that move, it ...

 23/01/2026 -   This is a question I've asked myself a couple of times. I do have some "dream roles", or more so existing roles I think I'd be good at or that I'd love to do.  First of all, I love horror. Any type of horror really. There's a horror movie I saw at the cinema when it released, 'It: Chapter Two', that still to this day I refuse to watch again. Not because I hated it, but because I was so scared when I watched it, that I literally couldn't handle it. I ended up closing my eyes 90% of the movie. The thing that scares me so much is Pennywise, obviously. I love Pennywise. He's such a menacing creature. I remember that he shapeshifts, or transforms into other people, and I HATE that. It's such a horrifying thought, not being able to 100% believe in what you see because, it could be him. Of course, I don't live in constant fear that he's going to catch me, but I certainly do fear him in the movies. That's one of the reas...

 22/01/2026 -  Today i thought about writing something a bit more light-hearted than my previous posts: some of the games I like!  Recently I've been reminiscing about playing the Kingdom Hearts games again. I played through most of them on my Playstation 4 a few years ago, and I've been watching a lot of lore videos again. The thing with those games is, the story really interconnects with the gameplay in a way, like the way each character reacts and moves is explained through their behaviours and stories. I love the combat system, especially Birth By Sleep's. I think that a cooldown based system is much better than a meter than runs out, because some attacks do require more MP points than others, but even if you only have 1 MP, you can cast any of the magic in the game, which doesn't really make sense. With cooldowns, you don't have that consistency problem, you have to really gauge what attacks you do in what order, because if you spam all of your atta...

 21/01/2026 -   This morning I saw a video of François Arnaud, part of the cast of Heated Rivalry, talking in an interview with Andy Cohen. One of the questions asked by Andy was "Are you verbal in the bedroom?". I was completely shocked. And I mean, sure, Andy Cohen asks  different  questions than other interviewers. However, I still gasped at how... inappropriate the question was? Yes, he's part of a show where we see him have sex full-on display in 4K 24 fps, but it is still a very odd question. Is it not? Am I so European that I don't feel like that's normal? LKJASNFJKNSDK (this is me laughing by the way) So, the thing is, before this type of interviews, I assume that the guests are somewhat prepared for what's coming; I think they know what type of questions they're getting. And I also think that François Arnaud didn't really mind those questions, because he's interacting with Andy just fine, so maybe I'm trying to read too much into this....

20/01/2026 -  The title is the same as a youtube video I just watched, and I felt so seen, it perfectly summarizes the way I've felt for so many years. Basically, this video's about someone's struggle to create something while having a very deep urge to do it. So for example, they want to write a story, but can't find the ideas to execute it, they want to draw, but their drawings don't mean anything to them, they want to make a video but they need someone else with them; almost eveything described in that video really resonated with me. Since probably like, 4-5 years ago, I've been trying to develop my skill of 3D artwork, so that entails learning to 3D model, to texture, to render, and a bunch of other stuff that I won't get into many details. But this came because, I wanted to create a video game. I wanted to eventually, in my life, do a video game and share it with the world. It was very logical to me; it's something I'm very interested in, I play...

19/01/2026 -   First, i literally googled "passionate rant word" because I didn't want to put the word "rant", since this is not going to be a rant, it's going to be me expressing my feelings in a very passionate way, like rambling I guess, but rambling doesn't signify the thing I really want to do here. Anyway, here's the soliloquy I think I've never loved something more than Heated Rivalry. Truly, this must be the first time ever that I've gotten so attached to something. The way it makes me want to create things. I'm not talking about the story here, but how they context of it being a show makes me feel. I think it's special that a show has moved so many people, either by making them feel loved, bringing them hope, or even just made them horny because two queer men are having sex on their screens. I think the sex is really important here, and I'm not saying anything new at this point, everyone has, pretty much a similar take, b...

First entry! 18/01/26 -  I feel like I could cry because I have the need to do something about this feeling. I just watched "Riley", and... I don’t know, every time I watch queer, gay stories right now, I feel inspired to do something, but then I feel frustrated because I don’t do anything, or I won’t ? I tell myself that; for some reason I can’t  "I don’t have a camera, I need another person to shoot video, I don’t have lights". All of that is true, but if I really wanted to do something, I would, wouldn’t I ? Is this me being lazy ? Why do I always create barriers to do it? Why can’t I just, do it? While watching the movie, or Heated Rivalry, or any gay sentimental story, I *want* to cry, and I try, but it never comes out. Never while I’m watching it. And, I don’t know why I want to cry. I think it’s like, a way for me to just, get it out. But then, if I think about myself, my mom, my life, my queerness, I can tear up and can really cry, but even then, I don’t cry...