Thoughts and feelings - first entry

First entry!

18/01/26 - 

I feel like I could cry because I have the need to do something about this feeling. I just watched "Riley", and... I don’t know, every time I watch queer, gay stories right now, I feel inspired to do something, but then I feel frustrated because I don’t do anything, or I won’t ? I tell myself that; for some reason I can’t  "I don’t have a camera, I need another person to shoot video, I don’t have lights". All of that is true, but if I really wanted to do something, I would, wouldn’t I ? Is this me being lazy ? Why do I always create barriers to do it? Why can’t I just, do it?

While watching the movie, or Heated Rivalry, or any gay sentimental story, I *want* to cry, and I try, but it never comes out. Never while I’m watching it. And, I don’t know why I want to cry. I think it’s like, a way for me to just, get it out. But then, if I think about myself, my mom, my life, my queerness, I can tear up and can really cry, but even then, I don’t cry a lot? I find it weird that I can’t cry? I don’t have a problem with crying, it’s like the opposite actually, I want to cry, but I can’t? Do I really not have a problem with it, or do I tell myself that? 

Now I’m thinking about the video of Connor Storrie, younger, saying that he never feels like a plastic bag, the Katy Perry lyric, but I think I actually feel like a plastic bag right now. Not because I’m used, or wrinkly, well… But because I feel, kinda useless? Not that plastic bags are useless or anything, but I feel like something disposable. And, I have great friends, they all love me, I feel loved by them, I love them as well, but sometimes I think that, they’re never going to be what I actually want? I mean, the thing is, I want a person that I could be extremely close with, and I mean, really close with. And not necessarily in a sexual way, but I want like, physical contact? I yearn for physical contact I guess, like I want to cuddle with someone, I want to hug someone, I want to kiss someone, and I don’t have to like, want to sleep with them, just; I want to be touched. I want to be desired. And I feel like I’m not, by anyone. My mom’s the closest person in my family, and I just came out to her, and she did not care. That’s the level of closeness I have with my family. My dad hates me, in the sense that, he hates that I’m “feminine”. He hates the way I dress (me too girl), he hates the way my hair is long, he hates the way I walk, talk, whatever. And he doesn’t know I’m gay, but he does. My brother doesn’t care about anything, he just really cares about himself. My sister… I don’t know. I feel like she’s lost, because of everyone around her telling her what to do, she wants to defy everyone and is constantly defensive. I know she wants to create relationships, she wants to connect, but at the same time, it feels fake? It looks like she wants attention, and that’s it. Maybe that’s me being selfish, but sometimes it looks like she doesn’t want to put on the work for other people, but expects everyone else to put it?

I’d love to not give a damn about what other people think, and to a certain extent, I don’t. Like, random people, I couldn’t care less. I think at least that’s how I am. But my family? Even though, if I had a choice right now, I would be completely gone from here, I know it would be extremely hard for me. I love my nieces, and to know that it would be hard for me to see them if I went away? I want to be there for them, because I know no one was there for me. I want to see them grow up, and I’m sure I will, because in this economy, I can’t afford to go anywhere else, but still. I feel like I can’t show them my true self because I can’t show my true self to my family. Even if they all knew I was gay, I still couldn’t be my own self around them. Because I’m ashamed. Or I’m scared they would hate me, because I simply know they would. Not that I’m not a good person to be around with, but they wouldn’t like me as a person. I have to put these walls around me, and act like they aren’t there constantly. I’m not myself 99% of the time. I’m only me when I’m with my friends. Not even when I’m alone, because most of the time, someone’s home with me, so I can’t even just, sing loudly, dance everywhere, make random loud noises, I don’t know, I can’t act like I want with them.

That’s why I want someone super close to me, that I can be myself with. But it’s hard. It’s so hard to not have someone like that. I love my best friend, but it’s just not like that with him. I mistakenly thought I liked him, but I really just crave intimacy. I crave what I see on TV. Let’s just say, I CRAVE what they show in HEATED RIVALRY SDJKNDFSDN stop I’m so funny I can’t.

It’s weird to write in text like this in a word document. I’m like, super zoomed in as well, so I can see all of the text in full HD. Since I don’t have space on my “Agenda/Diary”, might as well write it here. I feel inspired to do something, so this is my outlet. I’m kinda rambling here, writing exactly what I’m thinking and putting it here. I wish I could write stories like I’m writing this right now, so I could then store them and never film them. I wrote "objectives" for February on my agenda, things I wanted to do, and I do not believe a single thing in there. I don’t really think I’m gonna film that short film. I wish I would, but something tells me that I won’t.

Just like the way I haven’t practiced my lines recently, I’ve been putting it off for days thinking “Oh I have plenty of time, it’s until May.” Yeah, if I think like that everyday it’s gonna come very soon. Gosh I wish I was Connor Storrie oh my god. He’s so attractive, and not just lookwise, he’s very like, intellectual it seems, like he loves languages, so do I. He looks like he’s extremely dedicated to his craft, and I really love that. God I wish I could publish this somewhere.


Why do I want to be an actor. That’s a question I think I have an answer for, but do I deep down believe that?

Something I’ve always said my whole life, is that I want to teach people things, not necessarily as a teacher, even though I would also love to be one, but more so like, inspire someone. I want to inspire someone to think about something, to do something, to just, make them think about something that they’ve never thought before. I want to move people. I think I find that a lot in, yet again, Connor, because he inspired me. He decided for me that I wanted to pursue acting (not literally obviously). Sure, since the release of Stranger Things, when I watched the self tapes of the young cast back then, I knew I wanted to do that. I didn’t particularly know why, but I wanted to nonetheless. Yet, since then, I’ve never thought about being an actor. Well, kinda lying, I’ve shown interest in going to an acting high school, or like a theater high school, but never actually put the work to really realize that. Then, I pursued 2D/3D Animation.

Video games really are a passion of mine. I simply love everything that goes into that craft. I'm amazed at how they’re made, and I wanted to be part of that. I’d still love to be a part of that, even now. But, I realized during my course that, maybe I didn’t want to this for work, like forever, constantly, everyday doing that. Why? I don’t know. I love 3d modeling, love animating, but I couldn’t do that for work.

When I watched Heated Rivalry, there were 3 episodes then the 4th came out while I was watching the third, so there were 4 technically. I watched all of them, and it hit me. I wanted that. Not just the intimacy and the story, but I wanted to do what they were doing on screen, performing. Again, not to sound like a broken record, the person who made me realize that, was Connor Storrie. He simply is the most amazing actor. I’m biased of course, he portrays a queer man that can’t come out, has family issues, is thrown in a completely different (but better) environment than what he was used to. I relate to that a lot. But also, the way he portrays him, I feel like I know exactly what he went through, and not to speculate of course, but I feel like Connor does too, to a certain extent. I feel empowered by these queer stories. I feel like I could also do that. I also feel like I’m repeating a lot of the same thing in this, but oh well. Who cares...

Not me writing 3 whole pages about my thoughts and feelings after watching “Riley”.

Ok I’m done now.