19/01/2026 -
First, i literally googled "passionate rant word" because I didn't want to put the word "rant", since this is not going to be a rant, it's going to be me expressing my feelings in a very passionate way, like rambling I guess, but rambling doesn't signify the thing I really want to do here. Anyway, here's the soliloquy
I think I've never loved something more than Heated Rivalry. Truly, this must be the first time ever that I've gotten so attached to something. The way it makes me want to create things. I'm not talking about the story here, but how they context of it being a show makes me feel. I think it's special that a show has moved so many people, either by making them feel loved, bringing them hope, or even just made them horny because two queer men are having sex on their screens. I think the sex is really important here, and I'm not saying anything new at this point, everyone has, pretty much a similar take, but it's true. Even if you watched this without sound, you can see and feel their relationships develop in a very beautiful way through the sex shown in there. While, I must admit, I was shocked watching it the first time, I knew the show was going to have some sex scenes, but wow, it's really breathtaking the effort and detail put into those scenes. By the actors, the director, everyone involved. Praise the intimacy coordinators, because they had to WORK IT.
My relationship with the show, I think, is not the same as most people, because while I love the story, the characters and the setting, I see much more than that, and I think about the behind the scenes much more. Like, the production of the show, the difficulties Jacob Tierney had to face because of the investors and stuff like that. It makes me wonder: can a queer show like Heated Rivalry ever happen again? Like, in theory, yes of course, but, because of the still close-minded environment of hollywood, of cinema in general (in my opinion), would a show or movie be like Heated Rivalry? And I'm wondering that at the same time that I want to be an actor: If I every get to be on a screen and do a movie or a show or whatever it is, and get some kind of public attention, if I come out, would that impact my career? I think it's scary to think that, if I say I'm gay, I'd never be cast in certain roles because of that. But actors who say they're straight, or just don't talk about sexuality (which by the way, is not a dig at all, no one has to be forced to ever come out if they don't want to, and the people harassing actors because of that are truly disgusting and should rethink about their values) have the freedom to do queer roles, straight roles, any roles really. But, of all the openly gay actors I've come across, most of them do most of the time, queer roles, which is great, but at the same time I ask myself this: Is it their choice to do those roles, or are they "forced" into that type-cast?
I really love it when an actor decides to come out, because it really is important to see openly queer actors on screen, but at the same time, I don't blame all of the closeted actors that exist, because I simply know that they're not all straight. And that's very sad. It is heart wrenching to think that people don't or even can't come out because they're afraid of the implications on their career. I've been trying to see videos of like, what it is to be queer publicly, or like, just in Hollywood. How would it feel like to be openly gay in a setting where, your demeanor, your stance, your personality, everything about you is judged and showed to millions of people. And if you mess something up, it can destroy your whole career. Even though, wanting to be an actor, I want to be seen, I want people to watch my performances; would I like the attention it would give me if I were to become famous? And of course, I don't usually think about that, about "what I'm gonna do if I become famous", because sincerely, I don't think I'm ever going to be famous, not that I want to be; it's like, I only think about what I can do now: I want to go to an acting school so I can practice being an actor, being in front of a camera, doing plays, stuff like that, and I focus on what I can realistically achieve. I hope for the best, but I prepare for the worst, you know? I don't expect it to work for me, I don't even expect to enter the acting school, but I know I'm going to try really hard to get in, and either way, I'm going to be satisfied with the work I put on.
To get in, I have to film myself doing a monologue of a French play but in Portuguese. So far, I know about 75% of my lines, like I can recite them quite easily without looking too much at the paper. And I really want to nail the audition down, so I need to pratice until I can just say it front to back without even thinking. That's something I saw in several videos I watched about monologues and acting on youtube. Like, the first week after I decided I wanted to go to that acting school, I watched videos nonstop about it; I actually became so sick of acting that I took a pause of some days to assess my feelings, if I really wanted to do this, if I really wanted to become an actor... I really had a hard time for a couple of days because I got so confused; days before I wanted to do 3D Animations, the next days I wanted to be an actor. One thing about me, is that for some things I'm extremly decisive, but for others I can be so clueless and never decide what to do. My future's like that, it's hard for me to decide what the rest of my life is going to be, and I think it's a lot of pressure for teenagers that need to decide what college they want to go to. Now, I think that I'm quite "wise" with my decisions, if I do say so myself, so I trust that I'm going to do the right thing for me. But it's still scares the hell out of me.
Back to the audition, I also have to do a couple of additional tests, like a written one where I write why I want to go to that university, a "Movement" test, which I don't know what it is about, but I imagine it's to assess how I use my body to act and stuff like that, and then an improvisation one, which I'm not really scared of right now, but I know I'm going to be shitting my pants once I'm waiting for my turn at the audition.
I also get some anxiety thinking, if I really could do this, if I'm going to be a good actor. Of course, good acting comes with a lot of trial and error, a lot of training. However, I still doubt myself sometimes, that I won't ever be able to be a good actor. But then, I also think about that, if I want to be a good one, I have to practice a lot, not be scared of failure and hope for the best. So I do that, well, except the practicing a lot, I'm not really doing a lot to practice right now, because I'm waiting for until I get in the acting school.
I do a lot of waiting, waiting for the right oportunity, waiting to get an idea to write a small short film, I wait a very long amount of time. That's why I created this blog, I'm tired of waiting for an idea, for inspiration to write something, I get so frustrated because I don't have an outlet to let the things flow, so I decided to ramble in a web page. There's probably no one reading this, and it's a bit conforting to think about that, to think that, I'm putting this on the internet, sending it to the universe, and maybe someone will come across this and read it, or not read it. I think that's the beauty of this. I'm putting myself out there, but I don't really care if someone sees this.
Well, there is someone I wish would see this of course, but they're too busy being an incredible actor and editing their feature shot about an alien. Really looking forward to that!
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