20/01/2026 -
The title is the same as a youtube video I just watched, and I felt so seen, it perfectly summarizes the way I've felt for so many years.
Basically, this video's about someone's struggle to create something while having a very deep urge to do it. So for example, they want to write a story, but can't find the ideas to execute it, they want to draw, but their drawings don't mean anything to them, they want to make a video but they need someone else with them; almost eveything described in that video really resonated with me.
Since probably like, 4-5 years ago, I've been trying to develop my skill of 3D artwork, so that entails learning to 3D model, to texture, to render, and a bunch of other stuff that I won't get into many details. But this came because, I wanted to create a video game. I wanted to eventually, in my life, do a video game and share it with the world. It was very logical to me; it's something I'm very interested in, I play video games since I'm 3 years old, and it felt like home to me. And soon, I got more and more skilled in it, until I thought, "Hey, I could do this for work. Maybe I should begin to look at some courses". And that's what I did, I found a high school where there's a course specifically about 2D/3D Animation, and that seemed like the right fit. And it really was! I'm so grateful that I got to go there, learn so many new things, interact with people that were like me and adored video games, and my bestest friends come from this time of my life, so I'll be eternally grateful for that experience. However, with the shift that happened a few weeks ago, where I decided that I wanted to pursue acting, I got to think more and more about that, about the desire to create something.
Being in school, I had assignments. Sure, I couldn't exactly do whatever I wanted, but still, I had a creative outlet; I was churning animations, 3D stuff, drawings, for 3 years. But after that, I did nothing. Okay, to be fair, school ended in July of 2025, so I'm still fresh out of it, but I did have a routine that suddnely stopped, and I find it difficult to navigate in.
Since I can remember, I wanted to do everything. And I mean it. My mom's a housekeeper, and I remember telling her that I wanted to do that with her (very atypical for a 7 year old, but okay). Then, I wanted to be a doctor, and a veterinarian, then an actor, then make video games, then a singer, a stylist, EVERYTHING. I've always wanted to experience new things, so I'm really open to do anything. The problem is that, as the saying goes, a jack of all trades is a master of none, and that's how I feel about myself. I feel like I'm trying to invest so much time to do many things at the same time, I'm losing focus that I could be spending on a thing that really resonates with me. And because I've made that error in the past, I'm scared that, me wanting to pursue acting, is another one of those examples. I know that I want to do this, but is it driven solely by pure desire, or because the circumstances favor this decision? In what case can I know if I'm really doing this for me, or for the others?
It is a very complicated problem, but at the same time, I like that it's unpredictable. Because again, if this doesn't work out, I'll think that, at least I experienced something new.
I've tried sewing, I draw, I do animation, either 2D or 3D, I want to learn how to cook properly... And I like those things because for me to do them, I have to think a lot and be creative. Ironically, even though I choose these creative things for me, that I absolutely love, I end up being so frustrated because I can't do any of them like I expect myself to do them, if that makes sense. I set so many expectations for me, that most times, I can't even reach near them. And that's not the best way to learn something, and I know that's why it never ends working out. That is why I want to be slower with my approach to acting.
I egotistically hope that I'll be the best actor ever without even needing training, but realistically, I know that's not going to happen. I know I have to train, a lot. Practice, at home, at school, wherever I can. For now, I have my goals very set: get in that acting school. I've talked about this in my previous post, but I have to make a video of me reciting a monologue in character, so I'm practicing my lines (not as much as I wanted) to hopefully have the chance to get in the acting world. And even if I can't get in, I know I can try next year, I know I can then focus on my personal projects of making short films, do self-tapes, etc. But it's going to be very hard. I know that. So I'll do the best of my abilities to do it and fulfill my dreams.
Here's the link to the video I'm referencing in the title:
The insatiable desire to create SOMETHING
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