28/01/2026 -
There's a topic that I abstained from talking about until now, because I didn't feel like I could articulate in a way that I would particularly find interesting or that some may find a bit triggering.
TW: Body discussion (body image; if you find this topic particularly uncomfortable or triggering, don't read this article)
I've been struggling a bit about my weight. All my life I've been chubby. And that's something I came to terms with during my teenage years. I come from a family that tends to eat well, so I also tend to eat well. I don't exercise, but I used to walk a lot because of my school traveling. Now that I'm working remotely, I'm not budging at all from home. Which I do miss, I miss going outdoors, but I also don't do anything to remedy this.
It's not like I don't like walking or exercising, but I find it rather tedious. Because I grew up staying at home a lot, I don't have the habit of going out that much. But I still try, I'll come up with some exercises I find on the internet, I do them for about 2 or 3 days, then I just don't keep up with them. Again, it's not that I don't like doing them, it's more of a hassle. And I hate when I do that. I hate when I feel like I don't want to do something, and then I don't force myself to do it. After not doing said exercise, I keep thinking that I could be doing it right now, but I am not, and I start to feel bad about myself, but then I still don't do it. It's like a vicious cycle really, there's nothing, apart from me wanting to lose a bit of weight, that's motivating me.
For a couple of years I've grown to like my body, and now I don't feel so bad about it, I just want to lose a bit of weight, that's all. I've been trying to eat less, and what I mean by that is that I'm eating like a regular person and not like 2 people. With that part, I feel like I'm succeeding, sometimes I eat slightly more than I should, but I'm keeping it up relatively well.
The real problem is sticking to a routine of some form of exercise. I really want to engage in exercise, but it's been a problem for me. I feel a bit ashamed to admit this to be honest, because I see so many people just doing it, even some of my closest friends starting to work out, but then I simply can't do it. I often phantasize about even just going on a jog, but then not doing it. I love the idea of partaking in it, but can never stick with the execution, if you know what I mean. Now more so with work, my job is not demanding at all, and sure I feel a bit tired everyday, but that's more because I've been seating all day writing. I work as a Customer Support agent for a video game company so I'm constantly writing. I don't want to have a sedentary lifestyle, I want to go out, I love being out, but I've never been the type of person to go out?
So, growing up, never really liked to go out of the house. Then, when I started highschool, I met new people and the desire to go out really started to begin, but because I could just talk to them through discord or whatever app we used, we didn't feel the need to really hang out in person outside of school. We still did hang out though, but it was very time consuming because we all live very far from each other, so we'd commute for at least an hour just to even meet. Now, I feel like I'm a completely different person from before, I want to get out of here, explore the city and whatnot, but I'm kind of... scared?
The thing I'm most scared of is judgement. I know it sounds silly, but I'm scared that my family's going to judge me. I'm not going to delve in to much detail, but my family's very... unsupportive of everyone. Everytime I want to do something new, I get shutdown immediately, and I know it may not make a lot of sense, but trust me, they would judge me. At this point, I don't give too much thought to it, but it still affects me. And the first step for me to not care about it and to do it, is to just, go one time, and then a second time, and a third,... But it's hard. I like the comfort of my own home, I like not being constantly judged by my parents. For some reason, something I'd love to do is to explore the city at night. I find the night so peaceful and relaxing, I love walking somewhere when it's dark. I mean, it's a bit scary if I'm alone because, you know, other people. But it's something I REALLY want to do. Maybe I should stick with going out during the day for the meantime.
I'm rambling a lot here, and without the whole context it may not make a lot of sense, but I wanted to get this out. It's something I've been dealing my whole life and, even though over the years, I've been less critical of my self image, I've been more critical of my choices and my ambitions.
I started talking about my personal relationship with the topic, but there's also something else I wanted to write about. I have a question, and I do not mean at all any discredit to the talent of the mentioned people or to disregard their success, so here it is:
If Heated Rivalry starred people that were not super fit, muscular or even conventionally attractive, would the cast have that much success that they had?
Again, love everyone involved in Heated Rivalry, this is not AT ALL to disregard their talent and success, it's just a question I've been having recently partaining to my body image, and if I could succeed while not being like those people, appearance wise. Do I need a Hercules body like Connor's to be noticed? I mean, I know a lot of actors who aren't fit like body builders, but it's undeniable that actors are generally fit, good looking people. And there's nothing wrong with that. But in today's society, we know beauty standards pave the way to stardom, and it's harder for one person that doesn't fit those standards to be famous or get recognized. That's why people love beauty influencers, exercise/body-centric influencers, and conventionally attractive people. And I feel like there's more and more opportunity now for anyone to be recognized, usually by their talent, but also it looks like people have been more close-minded... I don't know, maybe it's just a feeling, maybe I'm just thinking about something that doesn't make sense nowadays. But I think about it.
Maybe I'll do a part 2 to this topic, because I feel like I could say a bit more about it, so I'm going to cut this one here. Today was a longer post, so I hope you appreciated my long rambling today.
Thank you for reading this! Hope you have a great rest of your day :)
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